Birthdays was the worst days…

I could never forget Notorious BIG’s lyrics from one of his hit songs Juicy. When Biggie said, “Birthdays was the worst days, now we sip champagne when we thirsty”, I believe every kid from the hood felt that, I know I did. It’s a statement that implies, “I’ve arrived!” That line didn’t hit me until I became a teenager, about 13 years old or so. I remember picturing myself at some grand celebration where I had just accomplished something huge, me in a circle with the people closest to me, singing those exact lyrics! I would tell myself, I can’t wait until I can sing those words. Years went by and unfortunately that image that I had created in my head never came to pass, well at least not how I would have liked it to. I was able to say “Birthdays was the worst days…” and truly mean it , because each year that went by, on July 3^rd, instead of feeling excitement, I felt depression, anger, hurt, everything… my thoughts had become my reality, in the vilest way.

Proverbs 23:7 tells us in so many words that we become our thoughts, whether good or bad. I would always hold resentment in my heart because I never had birthday celebrations (not that I can recall), never had a birthday party, so as I grew older, I started to despise  July 3^rd. if I had the option, I would have skipped that day or slept through it. Childhood bitterness and resentment turned into adult rejection and depression. Instead of laughing and thanking God to see another year, I would cry and say “why Lord, why can’t I have this, why can’t I have the sweet 16, why can’t I have the birthday gifts, the birthday cake, the birthday hug, the birthday love?!” I couldn’t grasp the hand of cards I was dealt in life. Every year instead of celebrating the day I was born, it felt like I was mourning a death.

Today, it’s my 29^th birthday and when I woke up this morning, I literally had to pray off the spirit of depression that tries to hit me every year on this day. Prophetess Breona Anderson calls it the Satanic Calendar, where things that you dealt with around this time last year, will try to creep back in and destroy you if you allow it. I had to commune with God in a destitute way this morning. I wish I could present to you that 10 years later, I was able to have the extravagant celebration, and quote that “I have arrived!” but that is not how my story is being written. One of my favorite scriptures, Proverbs 19:21, “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”. That’s the type of journey that I am on right now, the one that prevails the plans and purposes of God for my life.

Instead of moping around about what I don’t have or what I have yet to accomplish, I am thanking God that I made it to see year 29, which lets me know that His promises for me are still yes and amen! All the way up until today, people have asked me, “What are you doing? What do you have planned? Anything?”…well…my plan now is to live in the moment, make memories, release grudges, release people, and gain ALL that God has for me!  

(Sing it with me lol) Birthdays was the worst days, but now that Jesus’s on my side, I live on purpose! Aye!